I was cleaning up around the house tonight and my desk was a disaster!  I can’t remember the last time it was this bad.  So I started cleaning up and I started throwing away old papers and junk mail that was on my desk.  Somehow one of my boxes of personal belongings had been emptied out on my desk, I think I remember going through this box but I totally forgot to put everything away.  In this pile of random stuff I came across a newspaper I had saved 16 years ago.  It had one of my best friend’s orbituaries in it.  It was one of those moments when you just had to look one more time.

It’s funny how someone who you knew for such a brief time out of your total existence can have such a huge impact on your life.  This was someone who got me as much as I got them.  We just understood.  For some reason there was no wall between us.  A rare thing to happen in any lifetime.  Literally no walls.

For years I would think of her and it really left a hole inside of me.  Certain songs I had written reminded me of her even though they weren’t about her.  It was weird, I had realized that she had been my muse, my best friend and so much more over the 6 years we were close.

Today, seeing her photo again, it was the first time I truly felt at peace with her passing.  Out of nowhere I just said out loud, “thank you for the time we had.”  I don’t know if this means anything of how I feel, but it still hits me.  I have lost many friends over the years, but this one is something different.  Even writing this now, it hits me hard.

People have asked me about our relationship, and no it was never romantic.  It was just a true friendship, sometimes bigger than either of us could handle.  I remember hanging out with her one night.  I dropped by where she worked after her shift.  We had a great time and she walked me out to my truck.  I don’t remember what she said to me or what I said to her.  I just remember her walking away.  I wanted to reach out to her so bad at that moment.  It was as if I knew it was the last time I would see her.

I even wrote in my goodbye song to her, “If only I said your name when you walked away, maybe you’d be here and I wouldn’t be alone today.” It was about this very moment in time.

All I know is that I am a better person because of her.  I am better off for ever knowing her.  And seriously, thank you for the time we had together.  I really hope to meet again somewhere else.  Anywhere else.  Can’t wait to share stories and feel the way you used to hug me so tight.  Its like we always knew it was temporary.


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